


Fix You

by Miso



Series: A War He Can't Forget [20]
Category: SCTV (Canada TV)
Genre: Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, honestly if its a thing that can be wrong w someone mentally floyds going thru it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-07
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2019-01-10 01:28:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12288333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miso/pseuds/Miso
Summary: Floyd's not okay yet.





	Fix You

**Author's Note:**

> WELP. ive been trying to write some bobby/sammy smut and a list of drabble prompts, but this is what happened instead. rip floyds self-confidence it died when he was like 4. as usual i have NO idea how to write therapists really so ive tried to base victoria on my own therapist, who i really really like, and if she comes off as condescending i swear that isnt what i meant to do :P (once again floyd uses the f-slur in reference to himself and once again i apologize for it. it's the term he heard most often growing up and thus the one he internalized the most. if there's a term that would be semi-period accurate and carry the same weight without being as vulgar or offensive, please let me know!)

"How are you feeling lately, Floyd?"

Floyd sighed heavily and wracked his brain for an appropriate response. Tired? Defeated? Bored? Was there a way to say "I almost tried to kill myself again last week" without actually saying it? He didn't want to get sent back to the psych hospital. Not again. He wasn't sure he'd come out of it with all of his sanity intact if he had to go back.

"... I don't know." _Good answer, Floyd,_ he chided himself. "I... I've been having a tough time, really. Um... last week, I... I almost tried to... y'know. Again." He chewed his lip as his therapist, Victoria Lewis, nodded. "Earl stopped me."

"Are you still feeling suicidal?"

"Well..." Floyd swallowed hard. "I mean... I don't want to swallow all of my pills again, but if a speeding truck was heading for me, I don't know if I'd get out of the way." Another nod. "It's... it's scary. I don't like feeling like this. I know it scares Earl to death."

"Is everything okay with him? What do you think sparked this feeling?"

"It's never been better. We got engaged. Engaged, and I still want to die." Floyd chuckled bitterly. "It's not that I don't love him. God, no. I... in fact, that's just it, really. I love him so much, but... but he could be doing so much with his life. But he's here. He's here, in Melonville, taking care of me."

"So you're afraid you're holding him back?"

"Mhm." Floyd chewed his bottom lip. "I mean... he acts like a complete buffoon on camera, yeah, but... it's for the cameras. Caballero loves seeing us argue like a couple of shitty little kids. He's so much smarter than anyone gives him credit for. I... if I wasn't here holding him down, where would he be? He could be the next Tom Brokaw or Walter Cronkite. But he's in this shithole town where he's been his entire life taking care of his piece-of-shit fiance who can't be trusted to shave on his own because he might slit his throat."

"I'm going to stop you right there, Floyd." Victoria crossed her legs calmly. "You're being very self-defeating again. You mentioned people not giving Earl enough credit, but I don't think you give _yourself_ enough credit." She smiled warmly. "Think about it. You've accomplished quite a bit, on top of coming from a particularly difficult background."

"I'm nothing special, though."

"I beg to differ. I think you're very smart and good at what you do. You're very dedicated to your friends and fiance. You think the world of them. What stops you from doing the same for yourself?"

"The world can't handle two egos like Bobby Bittman's."

"That isn't quite what I mean. What I mean is why do you think you can say such wonderful things about your social circle, but whenever someone tries to do the same for you, you deflect it?"

A pause as Floyd thought. "... Because my dad always told me I was worthless growing up." A harsh swallow. "M-maybe not in those exact words, but... he called me stupid all the time. I knew he didn't want me, or any of my sisters, or two out of three of my brothers. He never really came out and said that, either, but we all knew. He told me he hated me when I was five."

Victoria nodded again. "But here's the thing, Floyd. You aren't a five year old boy. You're forty years old. You need to take control of your own self-esteem instead of letting him do it for you. You base how you feel about yourself off of how other people think of you. What would happen if you and Earl broke up, do you think?"

Floyd didn't hesitate for even a second. "I would kill myself."

"And I don't think I need to tell you that isn't a healthy way to respond to a breakup. Why would you be suicidal if you split up with him?"

"He's all I'm living for as it is." Floyd felt tears prick at his eyes. "I... if I lost him, I... I wouldn't have anything to live for. He's the only thing keeping me sane."

"There's more, Floyd."

Floyd was quiet for a second. "Because... because if he hated me, if he didn't love me... I wouldn't be able to love myself at all. It's hard enough now. If I didn't have him I wouldn't have anything to hold on to."

"If Earl left, no one would love you."

"Mhm..."

"That's not true. You and I both know that." Victoria smiled a little. "Your friends love you. The siblings you're in touch with love you. You have plenty of people that love you, single or not." A pause. "I want to go back to what you said earlier. You think Earl's only staying in Melonville because of you, right?"

A tearful nod. Victoria placed a box of tissues within Floyd's reach. "And you think that's because you're holding him back, and he'd leave if he didn't feel obligated to stay?" Another nod. "I don't think that's the case. I think he stays because he loves you."

"That's the problem!" Floyd sobbed harshly. "He shouldn't! No one should!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a _disgusting piece of shit worthless faggot!_ " Floyd curled in on himself and sobbed. "No one should love me! I don't deserve it!"

He heard, rather than saw, Victoria stand. "Floyd, I'm going to dim the lights." He couldn't see it, but he swore he felt it. "I want you to try and take some deep breaths. In through your nose and out through your mouth. Can you do that?"

Floyd took a long, shaky breath through his nose. It turned into a heaving, ragged sob as it left his lips, though. "That's okay. That's good. Try it again." So he did.

"I want to tell you that everyone is worthy of being loved." Victoria's voice was a gentle, soothing monotone. "And that you are not disgusting, worthless or a bad person because of who you love. You are a normal adult man, who has normal adult urges. They just happen to be directed at men instead of women. There's nothing wrong with that." Floyd hiccuped and sobbed quietly. "You can't control it any more than you can control that you are a human. You are worthy of being loved. You are worthy of feeling good. You're worthy of the good things that come to you."

The deep breaths did their job of calming Floyd from the edge of a panic attack. "Can you repeat after me, Floyd?" A shallow nod. "Okay. Repeat after me. 'I am more than good enough, and I get better every day.'"

"I..." Floyd swallowed hard. "I am m-more than good enough, a-a-and I get better every day."

"I am worthy of love and affection."

"I-I am w-w-worthy of love an-and affection."

"I am a good person at all times of day and night."

"I am..." Another sob squeaked its way out of him. "I am a g-good p-p-person at a-all times of... of day and night."

"I deserve to have a happy relationship."

"I..." Floyd choked. The words felt foreign in his mouth, on his tongue. "I d-deserve to have a... a happy... r-relationship."

"My fiance loves me and wants to be with me."

"M-my f-fiance loves me... a-and wants to be with me."

"That's all, Floyd." Victoria turned the lights back up. "I'm afraid we're out of time for this week... are you going to be okay?"

A nod. "I... I think so."

***  
Earl glanced up from the crossword puzzle he was idly working as the front door unlocked and opened. "Hey!" he chirped, smiling, as Floyd entered the room. "Therapy go well today?"

"... Yeah." Floyd sighed and settled onto the couch beside Earl, then leaned into him.

"You sure? You sound upset... and you don't really do this unless something's wrong." Earl set his puzzle aside and wrapped his arm around Floyd's shoulders. "Everything okay, baby?"

"... You're not staying with me because you feel like you have to, right?"

"No!" Earl's response was immediate and visceral. There was no way it could be a lie. "I stay with you because I love you."

"Even though I..." Floyd stopped himself, Victoria's words echoing in his head. _You don't give yourself enough credit. You deserve to have a happy relationship. Your fiance loves you and wants to be with you. You are not disgusting because of who you love._ "... Never mind."

"Are you alright, Floyd...?"

A nod. "I... j-just need to be with you right now." Floyd gave Earl the most pathetic look he could. "... Would... would you just hold me?"

"Of course." Earl arranged them to where Floyd was wrapped securely in his arms. "I love you, okay? Never forget that. No matter what, I love you."

The kiss that met his forehead felt like heaven. An affirmation that he mattered to someone. Floyd sniffled softly, holding back the sobs that wanted to come. "... I love you, too," he breathed, voice heavy with tears. "I'm sorry I'm such a downer."

"Shhhh, no, baby..." Earl gave him a quick, reassuring squeeze. "Shhhh. You aren't a downer. You're working through some intense stuff. It's okay. I still love you. And until you love yourself, I'll love you enough for both of us."

Floyd felt the tears run down his cheeks, but for once, he wasn't upset. He wasn't internally berating himself and contradicting every single word Earl said. He believed him. He believed him, and he recognized these tears as ones of relief. Earl tipped his chin up, gently wiped away the tears with the back of his hand, and smiled at Floyd sweetly. "You okay?"

A nod. Floyd lay his head on Earl's chest, shuddering a little at the warmth, the comfort, the familiarity. His heartbeat was soft, steady, soothing. "I just... I love you so much." The first thought he had was that he didn't deserve him. The second was the one he articulated aloud. "I'm so fucking lucky."

"I think I'm the lucky one," Earl responded, stroking Floyd's hair. "But I'll take the compliment. I love you, Floyd." He kissed his fiance's forehead again. "I'll never get tired of saying it, either."

Floyd didn't answer. He rested his head on Earl's chest, counted his heartbeats, and liked to think that they were for him.


End file.
